i am feeling much less hysterical today. my car has been in “the shop” for the past week—after i skidded into a curb while imprudently driving in a wintry mix—which of course has really not helped my tendency to curl up in balls of willful despair. but i’ve reminded myself that the car will be back, better than ever, and that it is a fortunate thing that i have good car insurance and i will (presumably) have the money to pay for the repairs. and it is a very very fortunate thing that i didn’t crash into any other cars, because i am a terrible driver. (i wasn’t always—well, between the ages of 19 and 28, i didn’t have a car and i rarely drove—but i remember i used to be quite competent. i guess it was all fresh in my mind. i guess driving a car isn’t like riding a bicycle—though, no one taught me how to ride a bicycle, and i never learned, so—i wouldn’t know.) (i am not actually a terrible driver. but i do get bored. and i am actually terrible at all driving tasks that involve having a sense of the size of the car, if that makes any sense. there are also a lot of things that i just don’t remember—for example, what you are supposed to do when your car goes into a skid. i had the thought: “i know there is something very specific that you are supposed to do in this situation—i remember that—but i have no idea what that thing is.”)
anyway, i made myself do chores and leave the house yesterday, and of course started feeling less hysterical.
this afternoon i have been searching for jobs on indeed. kind of. mostly i have been compiling a list of Most Boring Job Titles. most of the job postings i’ve looked at—(thinking that they might make sense for me)—-have been surreal. or ghastly. or some combination. “maybe i should start compiling a whole anthology of want ad prose,” i think—and recognize that this is an unemployed person thought. this is not a thought of achievement. then i think: “maybe unemployed person thoughts are basically the same as artistic thoughts. i need to be more positive.” then i came here and wrote this post.