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by dorarandom

crystallization

so today i have to be in suspense about whether or not the found man is really going to materialize in baltimore this weekend. i can’t stand it. it would make me so happy if he did. i don’t know why. i don’t know why i liked him so much or why that evening was so vivid. and i know even less why he liked me so much. and it is completely incomprehensible to me; it is avaktavya; it is beyond the limits of thought—etc.—that this/any person would be so enthusiastic about driving ten hours to see me. but maybe he does whimsical shit like this all the time. maybe he was in a whimsical mood last tuesday but this tuesday not so much. maybe he’s being coy. maybe he’s being oblivious. maybe he has a friend who’s convinced him that visiting the mystery-memory seems-to-be-a-little-impulsive internet girl is a Bad Idea, bro.

since i don’t know him, of course i don’t know.

here’s what i know: i’m suffering and i feel ridiculous. and feeling ridiculous compounds the suffering. i had a weekend of intense procrastination and excoriation. today i’m in a really disgusting mood. (providentially! : i was sitting in “my” office with the lights off, expecting somebody to come by and make a comment about it and make my mood even more disgusting when i saw that the building management office had sent out an email reminding everyone that it’s an energy stewardship day or something like that. so no one would suspect that i’m lovelorn—or whatever i am—profoundly not in the mood to read through bankruptcy proceedings, that’s for damn sure—i just look eco-conscious.) yesterday i got angry at a holepunch. this morning i couldn’t find my glasses anywhere. and my right hip-socket felt all weird and stiff for no apparent reason. it feels like it’s out of alignment or something. and it is driving me crazy!

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