well. i go to my friendly online banking page and see that my deposit for The Procedure is being processed / has been successfully deducted / however you say it. $1400. $1400 and that was only the deposit. i realize i have never spent this much money on anything before. The Procedure is a totally legitimate FDA-approved procedure with a near 100% success rate—and apparently patients are on average reimbursed for about half the cost—but since it isn’t medically necessary and since i have the punitive high-deductible kind of insurance, i am prepared to pay the whole staggering fee.
the doctor is a plastic surgeon. that’s how he happens to be so comfortable with botox. he’s spent most of his career doing plastic surgery. he has a classy website in pastel colors where you can see pictures of breasts before and after and read about how nice breasts give women self-esteem and all that kind of thing. if that’s what you’re into. i’m a little uncomfortable writing about him since he has quite a web presence—but then again i’m paying for this—i’m a consumer, not a disciple—etc. but then again i don’t want to offend. but then again again i don’t want to censor myself. oh my. see how hard it is for me to talk about this.
so, okay. i have to acknowledge that to me there is something creepy about an old man who is obsessed with/passionate about/invested in getting women penetrated. okay there i’ve said it. and instead of “creepy” i might even say “disturbing.” however as a vaginismus person i am, by definition, constitutionally viscerally freaked out by the whole concept of penetration. that is the root of the malady. so i am biased. ideologically i feel like i am betraying myself and all womankind by (enthusiastically!) giving my body to the hardcore patriarchy to be experimented upon. however i realized that sentence was pretty extreme even while i was writing it. however if you are a heterosexual woman, severe vaginal spasm is a miserable affliction. however, sexuality aside, it is natural to want to heal one’s body and put an end to pain(s) and suffering(s), fear and trembling. however it is normal to want pleasure and happiness and to actively look for solutions to one’s problems. however i think i’m just getting too old for ideology.
fear is exhausting. and i’m up for trying things.