i just wasted 436 words on this man.

by dorarandom

LP, LP. what became of LP? i know the world wants to know.

well i see that i mentioned him in the last post.

anyway i don’t really know what happened to the man. so i guess i’m with the world on this one. maybe something misfired in his brain? or he’s got a screw loose?

let’s review. for six weeks i heard from LP just about every day. he would call me up in the middle of the night and tell me he liked the sound of my voice. he told me he was afraid he was falling in love with me and so convoked or at least participated in some kind of symposium of bros (broposium?) where he and his “buddies”* discussed the definition of love—thus inducing a state of pseudo-love in me! (i mean, seriously, that’s a crazy overwhelming thing to say to a woman. i call foul.) (he told me they decided that “Love is the Best So Far.” and i told him that was so nice and it made me feel terrible because my working definition is “love is severe obsessive-compulsive disorder.”)

then, i spend a weekend at his house. and it was a fun quality weekend. and then he never talks to me again.  and i’ve never even heard of anybody acting like that. there was silence and no explanation. not a text to say ‘suddenly i hate you’ or ‘go to hell’ or ‘let’s just be friends.’ though—we were just friends. no one had called relationship. we live in different cities. we could have gone on harmlessly sending each other phonepictures of weird stuff we saw and telling each other about what we were doing. silence seems a little drastic. (also: cowardly, perverse.) when you get along so well with someone.

i think his divorce really messed with him. and he’s one of those change-fearing types. uncomfortable with possibility. (i think when he said he was afraid he was falling in love with me, he really meant he was afraid.) but who knows. at least he didn’t get to reject me on account of the dreaded ismus. (hysteric pro tip: i told him he was bigger than any guy i’d ever been with and i was intimidated! oh goodness gracious me he was so big! and he was more than willing to believe this. though he is unremarkably above-average.) (admire my restraint here as i DO NOT make some crass joke like ‘he doesn’t have a huge dick, he is a huge dick.’)**


* quotes to indicate that this is his usage. (yes, dora, quote marks mean you’re quoting!)

** (edit–about two years later.) in fact this was largely the reason. i terrified him. we talked about this, several times, over the past two years. he thought i was some kind of serious sexual crazy.

also, men know exactly how big they are.