almost halfway through the year.
i feel like i should abandon this blog and start afresh, though i don’t want to—i’m sort of committed to the idea of this being my blog, for better or worse—it’s a document, i want it to be a document. i like documents. i like the idea of the document. i like the rigor. i like having a solid archive, established on some principle, for purposes of the self. (i once ordered my old mental hospital records and sat down and read them.) (and yes, that may be proof of insanity right there, i’ll give you that.) but if i started a new blog it would be new and i could rebrand myself and it could be light and witty with wholesome positive commercial aspirations! or something! it’s important to brand yourself. (though i have a friend who really did brand himself, quite a lot, in his youth, and has mixed feelings about having done so.) and even more important to sell yourself. so i am told over and over and over because selling myself is the thing i am worst at.
do i have to? couldn’t not selling myself be a novelty since everybody else is so desperately selling themselves? (answer: no. you could kind of get away with this in academia, when you were sailing the high seas of objective merit, but it’s been two years now! you got to sell that ass.)
so, my imaginary, here i am, back, again, sheepishly, again. what is new with me? well, i was close to having to serve on a grand jury, which sits for four months, so i was considering my options. the main guy i worked for was going into semi-retirement. there was restructuring and an awkwardness. i bowed out gracefully.
i have been doing freelance records management things which bring me no joy and which confine me to my house and which i would rather not be doing, and will not likely be doing much longer.
i had my semi-annual bout of ‘hey maybe i should be a teacher’ which reached its crisis in my becoming a bartender. so now i am a bartender. a shitty, nervous bartender. in a shitty bar that smells like dirty mop water and where i hate say 90% of the patrons and which takes a stupidly long time to get to. obviously this isn’t a gig that’s going to last.
i’m still with The Gift Horse. a little out of habit, a lot out of crippling fear of being completely alone.
cats are still the best animal.
i still don’t want to be a teacher.