an upright jerker.
well, well. well. here we are today. Tread-Lightly’s acting worse than ever. i guess. don’t really know what to do with it or what to make of it—i never dealt with anybody who acted like this before—who was dearer and sweeter every time i saw them and then pulled further away. it’s not a very human way to act. maybe he isn’t human. he is an academic after all, at least by pedigree. maybe another reason why nobody’s advice helps anything in the slightest.
i don’t know why he’s being so remote this weekend. maybe he’s scared of being loved. maybe he thinks he’s going to get some important writing done. maybe he’s still in love with someone who broke his heart in indiana. maybe he’s in bed with the covers up over his head listening to ‘blues run the game.’ i suspect it’s all of the above.
i know i’ve had a lot of loss and rejection this summer. (Dolor acted a little like Tread-Lightly when we started getting closer—but the two of us were a bad match and we both knew it. so really he was just pointing out what one of us needed to point out before too long.) i know it’s made me very tired.
i know i’ve had a lot of suffering in my life and i’m very tired of suffering. i am not in the mood for it. i’d like to be able to say, ‘fuck you, Tread-Lightly! you’re not going to make me suffer! i’ve fulfilled my life’s quota, don’t you know? i’m moving on.’ but there’s nothing to move on to. whether we keep seeing each other or not, i’m going to suffer…i’ve just got to get my head in a good suffering place. it’s not going to be some terrible boundless existential suffering. just a regular human kind. outpatient suffering. maybe by this time next month it’ll be all healed over. maybe it won’t even be a memorable suffering in my life.