all the pleasure points attacking.
i had lunch with The Gift Horse (my ex-boyfriend) yesterday. yeah, we hang out fairly often—this tends to weird people out. we had bad tacos. but before the bad tacos he told me that he just tested positive for chlamydia. he said he thought he got it from Havre de Grace, a girl he was going out with in the spring. (‘so i don’t want you to worry—i almost didn’t want to tell you because i know you’re going to worry—but i don’t remember when the last time we had sex was.’ ‘oh. i remember. in fact i remember exactly when because it was the day my grandmother died.’ ‘oh.’ ‘yeah. remember, because i really wasn’t into it? because first thing that morning i heard that she’d been admitted to the hospital? and she died that night.’)
i don’t remember exactly why he spent the night at my house. it certainly isn’t a usual thing. i think we were watching stupid cooking shows or japanese game shows or something and he fell asleep. i remember thinking he was unusually oblivious/insensitive when he started meddling with me that morning.
apparently Havre de Grace and i are the only sex partners he’s had in the past two years. so it is very sweet of him to blame Havre de Grace—i do tell him about the shit i get up to. if i test positive too, i’ll have to do some serious thinking to decide how many awkward conversations i need to have. glorious. chlamydia. what glorious news. and he didn’t even buy me lunch. well, of course it’s good to be tested for STDs, anyway, of course. i made an appointment for monday. it will be my very first STD screening! there should be a greeting card.* (other glorious milestones of this past year include: my first UTI, first yeast infection, the morning-after pill, an encounter with herpes, helping a guy lose his virginity, losing the Other Virginity.) (some of these certainly deserve their own posts. not all of them!—don’t worry, my imaginary.)
my grandmother never liked The Gift Horse. for whatever that’s worth. the poor man. it was very funny—one of the mildest, sweetest women who has ever lived, but she just couldn’t stand him.
* maybe there is? there really should be.