detox by mistake.

by dorarandom

i’ve had a juicer for a couple of years. i don’t use it very often—it’s not the most efficient or compact of machines. it’s annoying to try to work with it in the tiny apartment kitchen i have now. but i’ve always vaguely aspired to do one of those hardcore 30-day juice fast things that are so popular nowadays.* (or were five years ago?) so a couple of days ago i ordered myself a 4-day “juice cleanse”, thinking it would be easier to get started if the work was already done for me. oh my it was expensive! but, i thought, you’ve wanted to try this for a while, it’s even on your official list of potentially happy things to try**, pull the trigger baby.

(it was my grandmother dying that gave me all this cash to play with, by the way—i mean, my grandparents were working-class people, it’s not like i got some great bequest. but they had saved for retirement, for assisted living, etc. and then they died. and then i got a lot more than i expected….not that i was expecting anything, of course. and of course i’m saving most of it. but i’ve decided that a little squandering is healthy. i’m calling it ‘controlled extravagance.’ you know, it’s not like i want to use the money to buy a top hat and fill it with cocaine—i’m trying to spend it on things that will somehow promote my well-being. or something like that. hence the juices and talk therapy.)

as i’m rebooting by mistake, i didn’t do anything to prepare, and i have a whole bunch of unjuiceable produce that i don’t want to see rot. plus half a bottle of sauvignon blanc. and other perishables i’m sure. and of course my anniversary on the 20th, which cannot be an austere day, which can only be celebrated with delicious foods and cocktails at of love and regret—i’ll have to take that night off. so, yeah, i guess i’m saying that i’m not intending to go on the strictest possible regimen here. but i can commit to doing my best—i can commit to doing a reasonably good job—for 30 days.

today has been fine so far. just drank my juice. and all the juices were good. the package arrived around 9 in the morning and came with a little leaflet of instructions/dogma. ‘The program allows your system to take a break from the work of digesting processed foods, alcohol, sugar and the occasional overindulgence…’ mmmmmph. overindulgence. then all i could think about was Tread-Lightly sheepishly patting his belly and talking about ‘years of overindulgence.’ and i had to fall back on my bed and think about that for quite a while. and i’ve thought about it quite a few more times today, i know you are shocked to learn. and i thought, ‘well this is very good. i can think of him now with pure pleasure! it’s just like a fantasy, or fiction.’ but writing now i’m full of regret—damn the letter, damn me and my sudden overwhelming need to make an ass of myself—i can’t believe i was willing to forfeit the best pleasure i’ve ever had. oh Tread-Lightly. all flesh and curls. how i wish i could get my hands on them again. we even talked once about what a grand time we could have on my anniversary! oh my God. i can’t think about this. (‘it isn’t fair. if i’d gotten it*** out of my system when i was younger, i probably wouldn’t have acted so stupid,’ i say to myself. ‘but remember: you wouldn’t be you then. you wouldn’t have an anniversary to get upset about,’ my self counters.)

(oh i had a whole pack of glorious abject super-domestic feminine fantasies—heady joni mitchell sort of stuff—and i have to confesss that a major theme in these was keeping Tread-Lightly contently well-fed. sigh.)

have to confess that i think indulgence is just about the most exciting word in the english language—so you can imagine how i feel about overindulgence.

aïe! maybe it’s high time for some good old-fashioned mortification of the flesh. well. maybe. but really i just think it’s a positive good sometimes to impose an arbitrary discipline on yourself—just to see what fruit it bears. i guess this is vaguely indic of me.


* my name is….john daker.

** i have recently made such a list. handwritten. of course. like all my best craziness. i put an exclamation point! after every idea!

*** whatever it is.