in which i somehow manage to write about something other than boys, at least for a couple of paragraphs.

by dorarandom

cassandrawell. the election happened. (and what kind of person am i that when i hear the word ‘election’ i think about christian doctrine first and politics second!? like, ‘the election happened’, to me that sounds like the rapture or something.)

i have been more or less terrified for the past few months but no one i know has been seriously worried. ‘well, yeah, it might be close, but it’ll be fine. no way he can win.’ i was told over and over. and i believe this is the first time in my life that being right about something is no consolation. i certainly did not want to be right about this. i wanted my fears to be irrational! and i don’t know how i managed to be right, given that i am at all times grossly uninformed about Current Events and most of the people i know are conscientiously well-informed people. but i think that might be the key, there: i am an uninformed emotional person.* i am your american voter. now i myself am also not a big fan of capitalism, fascism, or hatred, so i would never vote for trump, but. i can see how someone would. just to see what might happen. it’s democracy, baby! hillary clinton was a depressing option—i mean just looking at her made me (the uninformed emotional voter) feel depressed. still i voted for her. it felt like the only sensible thing to do. but i think a lot of people get in the voting booth and it’s secret and they can do whatever they want and they get excited, they get a weird romantic feeling, they start hearing the ‘star-spangled banner’ playing in their heads or something, they’re not in the mood to be to be sensible.

thus my nuanced analysis. i also think it has a lot to do with hating women. like, why did h. clinton make me so depressed? probably in large part because i hate women. women especially hate women. (that’s a really depressing thought. mull that over for a while. it’ll get your mind off trump.)

it’s terrifying. i wore all black yesterday. (and so did my boss…and so the bar was a funereal scene. almost every customer was a vortex of despair. finally, even though it did feel like a national day of mourning was appropriate, we put on a zydeco radio station. the blackness was too much to take.) (please remember: this is really the hardest on our nation’s bartenders.**)

watching the coverage to the bitter bitter end at a place around the corner from me—there was a moment when a random drunk hipster guy and i said ‘we’ve elected the antichrist!’ at exactly the same time. jinx! antichrist jinx!

my mother said, before the coverage started: ‘i think i’m going to drink a bottle of wine and pass out and then just wake up and see whether the world is a ball of ash and flame.’

and i was on a date for most of it! odd timing, i know—but we were having scheduling trouble. a first date, an internet date. he was very interesting and educated and nice and i never want to see him again. not because of the election—in fact i’m glad we had that to watch and distract because otherwise i would’ve had to look at him and talk to him more. he did nothing for me. but he texted: ‘I had fun meeting you last night even if we were watching the beginning of the end of the world.’

so. i guess what i’m saying is, apocalyptic rhetoric is a lot of fun and a little bit of consolation.

but as always, my BFF gets to the heart of the matter. and deserves the last word….

BFF: i followed your mom's lead and passed out on the couch last night.
     had a prophetic dream about gaudy patriotic dildos.
me:  really!?
BFF: yes, most easily interpreted dream i've ever had!!!
me:  you're amazing
BFF: it was at the grocery store. there were all these dildos for sale---
     and i was with a bunch of my friends from high school, and we were
     all laughing, wondering who would actually buy them because they 
     were so embarrassing. they were really bright, and spun around, and
     had LED lights on them! but people were buying lots of them, 
     walking around with them in their carts. so yeah, who would buy
     those? the answer turned out to be america! 
me:  yes. it did.
BFF: life has taken on a surreal cast

_____

* my mother tried to frame this in a more positive way: ‘you had a more realistic view of our fellow humans.’

** levity.

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