but i never got further than algebra II.
last week i was again a spectacular failure at trying new things. yeah. all i did was skulk around with all the old things.
1) to begin with, i spent a night with Dolor. and here i have to admit that i lied: it turned out i did care whether or not he remembered our Glorious Moment from the week before. and it turned out he did. which warmed all my cockles. but then it also turned out he was a magnificent asshole. which was surprising! i mean, i’ve known him for a pack of months now—he can be cold, he can be a grump, but he’s never jumped straight-up ugly before. i’ve never known him to be vicious. well. once again, i met up with him after work, after he’d been drinking for hours, and once again he ordered himself a late-night dinner—he ate it and then he turned to me, again accusing me of being a bad influence. i thought it was playful again. no. he was very serious. and angry. he thinks he’s put on weight since he started spending time with me—(if he has, it’s not noticeable)—he thinks it’s wrong of me not to notice and to disapprove. ‘even if i did notice, i wouldn’t say anything, because that would be rude, right? also i just can’t play that role in someone’s life. i’m not a natural nag.’ and so we sort of make up, we get close again, and then about an hour later: ‘i don’t think we should see each other so often. not now that i have this new job.’ ‘well. sure. (kisses) you’ll be so busy. (kisses) such an important job. (dumb puppy-girl kisses) but what, you think now you have a better job, (dumb kisses), you can have a better girl?’ ‘yes. that was part of the point of getting a better job.’ ‘uh. what?’
you know, i’m not sure whether anyone has ever said anything meaner to me ever in my life: i’m getting a better job so i can be with someone better than you. (i asked, of course, ‘are you…joking?’) no. no he was not. though he was ‘sort of sorry’ for having said it. he thinks i’m too old. wants a lady who’s more like 27. he thought he should be real with me.
i don’t think he should’ve been. a difference of opinion. i’m glad i gave him chlamydia.
i should also probably note, for the record, that he’s two years older than i am.
2) i spent a few hours with Tread-Lightly. possibly the most pleasant hours i’ve ever spent with him. he was a shocking delight!* all teasing and banter and fun. as fun as he used to be before we ever went out. and i finally got my post mortem, which i’ve obviously been itching after for months: yes, he’s still not over his ex; yes, he hates baltimore and he’s applying for jobs back in the garden of eden [we fallen mortals call ohio]. ahhhhhhh. honesty. like aloes. ‘a friend told me last week that i was “unknowable.” what do you think?’ ‘uh. i think that sounds a little grandiose! but. i will say that you have a tendency to answer questions in a very oblique way, and that can be maddening.’ ‘well if you want to ask me questions tonight i promise to answer in whatever the opposite of an oblique way is. what’s the opposite of oblique? transparent?’ ‘straightforward.’ ‘you say no to transparent?’ ‘that is the opposite of opaque.’ (dora takes no prisoners!)
i asked questions. he asked questions. honesty all around. big heaping tablespoons, big steaming shovelfuls. i did ask if he thought the sex was unusually good—yes, he said, it started out incredible, and somehow it got even better. i was so glad to hear that—in theory—because it matched my own experience, and my own experience is so limited—but in practice, sitting across from him for the first time in months, looking at him and seeing him look at me, it was agony. damn it. that gorgeous big heap of flesh and curls and charm. all i wanted was to be rolling around with him and that was about all i could think about for a couple of hours, so i can’t honestly recall what all we talked about that night. other than sex. and uh antonyms. but i know we covered lots of pleasant respectable topics.
3) i got hideously unabashedly drunk at work and tried to quit. and Grigg talked me down. but it’s only a matter of time.
4) Christmas music. ye Gods. YE GODS. that should be a subject for another post.
* he says it’s because we’re not in [danger of] a relationship anymore: he feels like he can be himself.